Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.