I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
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[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
The internet is full of many things
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up