‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]