gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
✌️
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.