2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel