sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.