I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
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You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Finally!
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.