I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.