*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Don’t touch that.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.