Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.