Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.