Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
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dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Dead sexy!!
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Who knew!
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs