I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]