I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
You Might Also Like
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
“no gods no masters” = leo
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”