When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”