I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
the dark web is just a goth google.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.