yeah not falling for this one
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[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.