god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
remember
only for emergencies
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Need WebMD
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.