Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!