Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch