One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?