So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?