Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
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I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*