*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”