What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.