Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
put ‘er there pardner!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?