[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
You Might Also Like
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
December birthdays be like…
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry