The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If you know, you know
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
So creative 😂
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me