“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
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It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?