the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I already tried new things thanks.
Happy Febuary everyone!