[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Ah..makes sense now
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Oh, I bet you would be
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.