Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.