Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
@funTweeters
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.