“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.