Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane