Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.