“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
When you let grandma cat sit
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.