[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
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Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
True
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.