Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
🙄😏😂🤣
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires