*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Shoo shoo! 😂
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Choose your fighter
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.