Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
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ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will