My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Kermit goes Blue.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.