*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.