If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You Might Also Like
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
This pepper has seen some shit
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.