Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
c’mon!
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th