Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
When your man makes a valid point