WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: