I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Livid.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.