“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I think about this a lot
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Sing it!
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year