TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
There’s always that one guy
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds